Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) doesn’t only leave behind psychological scars. It rewires how we think, behave and relate to others. Many survivors adopt behaviours they observed in their abusers, not because they wanted to, but because they had to. These behaviours helped them survive unhealthy environments rooted in fear, chaos, control, manipulation and, sometimes even physical abuse.
What’s often overlooked is how these same behaviours, once consciously examined, can be transformed into valuable traits. This writing explores five of these behaviours. Each is paired with a real-life insight into how something forged in trauma can be re-purposed as a powerful life skill.
It is also good to note that these ‘skills’ can only become transformed into healthier behaviours/patterns when you no longer live in an unsafe environment and have done the emotional; growth/maturing from it.
1. Manipulation to Emotional Intelligence
What was learnt:
In unsafe environments, manipulation becomes a tool for survival. Survivors learnt to read subtle shifts in mood, tone of voice and body language so they adjusted their own behaviours to avoid conflict. It was never deception; it was protection.
Reflection:
As a child, I knew when to be quiet, when to smile and when to disappear. I could sense tension before it exploded. At that time, I didn’t know that this was called “fawning.” Later on, I realised that all those years of emotional micromanagement shaped an uncanny ability to feel what others couldn’t say. That skill, once used to protect myself now allows me to show up for people in ways that feel safe and deeply attuned.
The transformation:
What once served as damage control can become emotional intelligence: empathy, insight and responsiveness. Survivors often emerge with a refined capacity to support others and anticipate needs in high-stakes or emotionally charged settings.
Goleman (1995) describes emotional intelligence as the interplay of self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy and relationship management. Those traits are often sharpened by emotional survival instincts. What once helped a survivor stay unnoticed becomes a strength in relational and professional life.
2. Control to Leadership & Structure
What was learnt:
When life feels unpredictable, many survivors develop control-based coping strategies. Micromanaging tasks, obsessively planning, perfectionism or becoming rigid around rules are ways of creating external stability to counter internal chaos.
Reflection:
In some ways, I’m still a perfectionist but I’m doing better now with it. I also used to mentally rehearse conversations in advance just to feel prepared which was so anxiety-inducing.
I still like to keep routines and require people to notify me of changed plans at least a day in advance so I won’t spiral a little…but it has gotten better. Some people probably thought I was “category A,” but really, I was anxious. Over time, I noticed that these same tendencies to be organised and structure could be used to build something better, not out of fear, but out of conscious decision.
The transformation:
Control and structure were once tied to anxiety. However, they can become a tool for my own theoretical research, creating stronger emotional/mental boundaries and having a better future. Many survivors excel at creating safe, structured environments, not only for themselves, but for others as well.
Herman (2015) emphasises that survivors often strive for order to compensate for what was once unpredictable. When those patterns are reframed, they become skills in foresight, leadership and structured thinking.
3. Gaslighting to Self-Validation
What was learnt:
Gaslighting causes someone to doubt their reality. Survivors exposed to this for a long time often internalise it which leads to chronic self-doubt, self-blame and the minimisation of their own experiences.
Reflection:
There were many times I found myself doubting my own logic, my feelings and my memories. When that happened, I would apologise for everything and constantly worried that I had misunderstood or thought I was being “too emotional”. Eventually, I began to keep written evidence of conversations with particular people like sending a text of what the conversation was about. This was for myself, not them. Over time, that small act helped me rebuild trust with my inner voice. However, now I no longer need someone else to confirm what I felt and my logical thinking. I could do that for myself but I still do talk to trusted friends if I need advice.
The transformation:
The shift from self-gaslighting to self-validation is a power move. Eventually, we learn to anchor ourselves in our own experiences which builds confidence, clarity and a sense of internal stability.
Seng et al. (2005) found that trauma can impair the interpretation of internal signals. Practices such as journaling, body-awareness and trauma-informed therapy help individuals rebuild trust in their own perception which is an act of reclaiming autonomy.
4. Charm as a Mask to Authentic Connection
What was learnt:
In order to avoid harm, survivors may learn to perform. Charm becomes an armour; a way to stay safe, avoid conflict or be accepted. However, this often leads to an identity based on external approval rather than internal truth.
Reflection:
People used to say I was “so easy to be around.” What they didn’t see was how much I performed to be that person. I used to adjust who I was depending on the room I was in. It took a long time before I understood that charm had been a survival mask. Now, however, I still connect easily with others but I’ve stopped bending myself to fit in. I speak my true feelings. I acknowledge and say when I’m uncomfortable. I say what is authentic to who i am. The people who stay close to me are the ones who have seen the true me, not just the mask.
The transformation:
Charm used to protect the survivor; now it becomes a bridge to true connection. When no longer rooted in fear, this social fluidity becomes a path to genuine connection, trust and emotional depth.
According to Brown (2012), authenticity is not the removal of fear but the courage to be real despite it. Survivors who once wore masks can form profound connections once they begin relating from a grounded, self-honouring place.
5. Hyper-Independence to Healthy Autonomy
What was learnt:
For those who have experienced abandonment or betrayal, dependence felt dangerous. The solution to that was hyper-independence: “I’ll never need anyone, so no one can hurt me.” While this may offer safety for a short time, it often leads to emotional isolation.
Reflection:
I used to rarely ask for help or support with anything because it
was out of fear; the fear of being disappointed, mocked, or ignored. Eventually, I began testing small moments of trust by asking someone to hold the door, admitting when I was tired or asking for emotional support from friends. Each time someone responded kindly, I added a new thread to the idea that support could be safe. I still value independence, but now it’s a choice, not a shield.
The transformation:
Autonomy becomes less about avoidance and more about self-respect. Survivors who reclaim their right to both give and receive support create lives rooted in choice, not fear.
Van der Kolk (2014) explains that trauma often impairs attachment. As survivors explore safe, mutual relationships, they develop balanced autonomy that allows for emotional intimacy without losing self-sovereignty.
In conclusion, the behaviours and traits survivors develop under abusive conditions aren’t inherently destructive; they’re adaptive. These behaviours evolved to protect, to endure and to navigate impossible circumstances. The work is not to discard them, but to examine them: to ask where they came from and how they can now serve us. Once reclaimed with conscious awareness, they become not just survivorship traits, but sources of personal power.
C-PTSD survivors are **not** weak for having adopted these patterns. We are remarkable for having carried them and even more so for learning how to re-purpose these behaviours. These aren’t scars. They’re skillsets forged in fire and refined in the pursuit of something better.
References:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books. https://brenebrown.com/book/daring-greatly/ Accessed 25 May 2025.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books. https://danielgoleman.info/topics/emotional-intelligence/ Accessed 25 May 2025.
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (2nd ed.). Basic Books. https://www.basicbooks.com/titles/judith-l-lewis-herman/trauma-and-recovery/9780465061716/ Accessed 25 May 2025.
Seng, J. S., Graham-Bermann, S. A., Clark, M. K., McCarthy, A. M., & Ronis, D. L. (2005). Posttraumatic stress disorder and physical comorbidity among female children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 30(5), 447–455. https://doi.org/10.1093/jpepsy/jsi031 Accessed 25 May 2025.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/227054/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/ Accessed 25 May 2025.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote Books. https://www.pete-walker.com Accessed 25 May 2025.
Mystic Anomanly 